A Witch's and Wizard's Alphabet Book
by Esula
Summary: Written by Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley. Really, very, a little OC. Again, I was very very bored. One shot.


_Also from the time when i was very very very very bored yesterday. Really, very, a little OC.  
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_Disclaimer: Characters belong to J.K Rowling and the Oxford Dictionary belongs to... Oxford? (I dont know...)_

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><p>"Couldn't sleep either?" A third teenager makes her way over to the two teenagers already sitting at the dining table cluttered with various rolls of parchments and quills, her bushy hair pulled severely back into a ponytail.<p>

"Too nervous about tomorrow, what happens with something goes wrong?" The messy black-haired teenager asked.

"Mate. When have any of our plans actually gone right?" This was asked by the final teen, a lanky, redheaded boy.

"True. But we're breaking into Gringotts for Merlin's sake. I can't sleep because I'm worrying so much. And I don't want to leave here. Shell Cottage is just so peaceful."

"I know what you mean… you could always read a book, that always calms me down."

"It would definitely make you fall asleep."

"Ronald!"

"Sorry Hermione."

The three teens fell into a respective silence, each lost in their own thoughts. "I know… we'll write something."

"What… like a book?"

"Hermione, I don't think we have time to rewrite the Oxford Dictionary…"

"That's it! We can start small and write an alphabet book for witches and wizards."

"Do we have to? It's just-"

"Do you have any better ideas, Ronald?"

"…An alphabet book it is then!"

_A Witch's _**and Wizard's **Alphabet Book.

By Harry Potter, _Hermione Granger and _**Ronald Weasley (the best one)**

**A is for Avada Kedavra which makes you dead.**

Except if you're called Harry Potter, 'cos then you have a weird knack for surviving them.

_It's also an Unforgivable curse and if used you will end up either have your soul sucked out or put in Azkaban._

**Hey! That's another 'A' word!**

B is for Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans.

_Which really do have every flavour, even earwax._

**And aren't very nice.**

Wow Ron! There's a food on this planet that you don't like?

**Shuup.**

**C is for Chamber of Secrets which is really really scary.**

Not gonna argue with you on that one, mate.

_D is for Deathly Hallows (which we are kind of looking for)_

And Dumbledore.

**Who is dead… And also begins with a 'D'.**

_Helpful, Ron._

**I know! Merlin, I'm good at this.**

E is for Expelliarmus, which is always helpful when you are fighting mean wizards who are trying to kill you.

_F is for-_

**Fire!**

_-floo._

**Oh… that as well then.**

_G is for_

Goblet of Fire

**Which is used for the Triwizard Tournament and Harry's name came out of, but then I was a prat, and then Harry fought some dragons-**

_R-_

**-and then Harry had to rescue me ('cos I had stopped being a prat) and Hermione rescued by Krum from some merpeople in a really deep-**

_R-_

**-and dark lake and then Harry-**

_Ro-_

**-went into a maze-**

_Ron- _

**-and fought some nasty things**

_Ro-_

**and then Harry and Ced-**

_-RON!_

**Oh, right, yeah... I guess I should shut up now.**

_H is for-_

HARRY POTTER, GREATEST OF THEM ALL!

_*cough* Hermione *cough*_

I is for Invisibility Cloak

**Which is wicked!**

_And very useful._

**For getting late night snacks**

_I didn't mean that way, I meant that it has helped keep us alive loads of ti-_

**And letting us sneak around without Filch or Mrs Norris seeing us.**

Stupid cat.

J is for James and Lily Potter, my mum and dad.

_Who died to save Harry, and stop V-V-Vol-Voldemort._

'nuff said.

**K is for Kitty, which Minnie turns in to.**

_Honestly Ronald, couldn't you have at least used the Knight Bus as an example_

Stupid bus.

_L is for love, which is-_

Mushy.

**Eww.**

_What's wrong with Love? It did save Harry…_

**We're men! We don't go for this horrible, mushy, girly stuff. We're too macho.**

_Fine. _

_You think of something._

…

Lemon Drops.

M is for Marauder's Map

**Which is also wicked!**

_And very useful._

**For getting late night snacks…**

…Is anyone else getting a weird sense of Deja Vu?

_N is for Naigini_

Who is a very mean snake

**And eats people.**

_O is for Ordinary Wizarding Levels or O.W.L for short_

**And were designed to torture innocent children**

_O. are very important for your future career; they decide which subjects you can take for your N.E.W.T classes-_

-which were also put on this planet to torture young children.

**They're called Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Test for a reason.**

They're nasty and very exhausting.

_P is for Portkey_

Which are horrible! And even worse than the Floo! And that's saying something!

**(for knowledge on the 'Floo', please refer back to the letter 'F') Do you see that, Hermione? I made a ref- a refer- a refear-**

_A reference?_

**Yeah! That! I'm clever!**

I'm so proud of you, Ron!

Q is for Quirrell

_Who had eyes in the back of his head._

Literally.

**And a nose and a mouth, but I don't think… Hey, Harry?**

Yeah…

**When You-Know-Who was growing in the back of Quirrell's head, did he have an extra set of ears? And did You-Know-Who have to use the toilet, because if he did, where did the pee come out of?**

Sorry Ron, but I think I forgot to ask. He was too busy trying to kill me and get the Philosopher's Stone at the time, so sorry.

**Excuses, excuses.**

_R is for Remus_

Who was a Marauder and is really nice.

_And the best Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher we ever had._

**That's not hard to be.**

First we had a man with Voldemort in the back of his head and who stunk of garlic.

**Then we had a stupid showoff.**

Then it was Remus! (woo)

**Then it was a Death Eater in disguise.**

Then it was Umbit-

_Don't you dare swear, Harry James Potter!_

Ooh that rhymes… But fine…

**(that rhymes too!)**

…Then it was the lovely toad, Umbridge.

**Then it was Snape…**

Which brings us onto our next letter…

S is for Severus Snape.

**The **

-Arrogant-

**-Mean-**

-Unfair-

**-Evil-**

-Bigheaded-

**-Bullying-**

-Death Eater-

**-Nasty-**

-Greasy Haired-

**-Horrible-**

-Voldemort's Ass Kisser-

_-Parsimonious-_

**-What the hell does that mean?**

_Parsimonious is an adjective and means someone who is unwilling to spend money or use resources; also called stingy or frugal._

That as well then.

T is for Tom Marvolo Riddle who calls himself Lord Voldemort and thinks he is amazing because he's the heir of Slytherin and is the world's biggest hypocrite.

_Exactly._

Glad you agree.

_U is for…_

**Umbit-**

_Ronald, what have I told you about swearing?_

**Actually you said that to Harry…**

_But that doesn't mean you can swear._

It doesn't?

_No Harry, it doesn't._

But she's really mean!

**And she looks like a toad!**

_Oh, fine._

**U is for Umbitch.**

_Happy now?_

**Much.**

Definitely.

V is for Vermin.

***cough* Peter Pettigrew *cough*  
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Who is a lying, traitorous twat.

_My sentiments exactly__._

_W is for wand._

**Which every wizard or witch needs.**

Unless they're really powerful and can cast wandless spells.

**X is for Xeno Lovegood**

Who, despite trying to hand us over to Death Eaters who would then torture us and take us to Voldemort who would then kill us, is really a very nice bloke.

_And Luna's dad._

_Y is for Yule Ball_

Where Ron and me made complete twats of ourselves.

**And Hermione looked ruddy good.**

_Uhh… thanks Ron._

Z is for…

**Uhh…**

Umm…

_Zeugobranchiata_

**Err… yeah… that…**

'Cos Hermione's really smart.


End file.
